INDEPENDENTLY SPEAKING

I’m grumpy, but I’m fighting it, baby, I’m fighting it.

First of all, I started writing this column in a notebook I bought for $1.50, on a sticky table, in a mall food court. 

I approve of nothing in that previous sentence. 

You should know, my life was saved by the inven...

Who’d have thunk it.

I watched a new show on Netflix that had a guy I’d never heard of, but who‘s apparently very famous, and Kate Mckinnon, a very funny woman I have heard of. They were in Cambodia, eating odd food and seeing odd sights.

At one point, they talked about...

If you should see in the news that I’ve fallen from a roof and been crushed under 100 pounds of dog hair and drool, just take comfort in knowing I went out fulfilling a dream.

I’m a little tired of the squirrel.

I don’t hate all squirrels - that would be the act of a pre...

My head is lopsided.

I just noticed it this week and I’m very disappointed in all of you people who’ve known me for years.  You didn’t think this was information I’d want to have?

It makes me wonder what else I’ve been missing.

I was standing under our bathroom light look...

It was 1971, and I was leaning over the jukebox in Maury’s pool hall. I had just finished reading Sammy Davis Jr’s autobiography and found it fascinating. Because of that, I was thinking about playing his song, “Candyman.” The problem was, despite Sammy’s talent, I tho...

I was reading the news the other day and saw an article about a guy driving a Maserati who came to a railroad crossing with the safety arms down, drove around them, and was killed by an oncoming train.

Okay, first of all, this was a tragedy. I don’t know the guy who was...

I brought my wife a latte, extra hot, just the way she wants it.

Because I am a good person.

A few minutes later, she casually said, “How did you like your chocolate croissant?”

“What makes you think I got a chocolate croissant?”

“Because there’s chocolate on the lid of my...

“I wonder what would happen if you stuck this in a toaster?”

That’s one of those sentences that very, very rarely has a good ending, unless you’re holding a bagel.

It’s a little like “hold my beer,” only from a ten-year-old.

My ears did perk up, but I didn’t snap to high...

“Did you get any sleep?” my wife asked.

“Yeah, I guess so,” I said. “Why do you ask?”

“What were your nightmares about? You were shouting.”

“Oh,” I said, “I was on an airplane with three of those creatures from Independence Day and we were fighting. I knew I couldn’t stop...