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Wedding Planner

I have a great new career opportunity.

Seriously. I’m pretty sure I have a knack for wedding planning.

In my lifetime, I’ve played a role in three weddings. My own wedding was great, but that was a few decades ago and I recognize times change. I didn’t have much to do with our son’s and oldest daughter’s weddings, and I regret it. I can only imagine the deep remorse they feel that I wasn’t more involved in the planning. I just sort of showed up, dressed appropriately, and had a great time.

This one is going to be different. I’m definitely involved in this latest project and I’m waiving my fee, because, you know, daughter, but there’s no reason I can’t slingshot off my success and launch a new business.

The wedding is going to be in my back yard, so I’m pretty sure that not only is my input is needed, it’s welcomed.

I think we wedding planners should take a hard look at the whole “walking up the aisle” cliché.

It’s been done, people.

My first plan was for the bride to rise from below ground on an elevator, like the guitarist in ACDC. I considered the smoke machine, but maybe we should just keep it subtle and dignified.

Solid idea, but I’ve never built an elevator, there is a budget, and the clock is ticking. So, Plan B. Dig a pit and put a trampoline in the bottom. It would require the bride to duck for the first few bounces as she built momentum, but when she came bursting out of the ground…talk about a crowd pleaser.

My idea isn’t an original - I got it from the tiger/pirate trap in Swiss Family Robinson. It’s the best part of the movie, and what’s good enough for Disney is good enough for my baby girl.

If it turned out a few more bounces were needed to get enough velocity, I figured the crowd could be distracted by having the groom zip line from the roof of our house. But now I have a better idea, one with symbolism. In the old days, like when my great-grandfather built his barn, they’d haul in wagons full of loose hay. A contraption with claws was lowered onto the wagon, it grabbed a load of hay, and was pulled along a track until it got to the proper spot. Then they pulled a trip rope, the claws opened, and dropped the hay. Picture one of those claw games you see in bowling alleys - a bin filled with toys you’re supposed to grab with a crane, then drop down a chute. Just like that, only bigger and can kill you.

I just tore down Great-Granddad’s barn, but I saved the hay mechanism. The groom could be hoisted up, and pulled along to the proper spot by his father. His mom could pull the trip rope and plop him down next to the altar.

You see? Symbolic.

I’m still working on the details of getting the bride into the trampoline pit unseen. One option would be for her to just crouch down there for an hour or so while the guests were settling in, but I’m leaning towards letting her crawl through a tunnel from the basement of the house - kind of in the style of The Shawshank Redemption, but without sewage. I’m still waiting for final approval.

The bride and groom have two cats. Maybe the rings could just be screwed on their tails. Think how cute they’d look scampering up the aisle when it was time to exchange rings.

There have been concerns raised that the cats might not scamper on demand, which seem like valid concerns. I still think they should be part of the wedding, so maybe sparklers on their collars and turning them loose at the end of the ceremony would work. At this point we better just pencil this in – the wedding is in October and if we have a dry fall it would be kind of a pity if the sparkler cats set 200 acres of corn on fire.

I also think the guests at weddings don’t have enough to do. I’ve got plans for them, too. Food, music - so many opportunities for some real cutting-edge innovations.

I’ve got a lot to do.

Copyright 2020 Brent Olson

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